


To Feel (To Remember)

by Angst_BuriTTo



Series: Pain (Born Into) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Assassination, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes-centric, Child Abuse, Child Soldiers, Cryofreeze (Marvel), Dubious Consent, Gaslighting, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Memory Suppressing Machine | The Chair (Marvel), Off screen child death, POV Bucky Barnes, Protective Bucky Barnes, Red Room (Marvel), Torture, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, no descriptive child death, thats a tag?????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:06:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angst_BuriTTo/pseuds/Angst_BuriTTo
Summary: This is what the Soldier Knows;He knows nothing.





	To Feel (To Remember)

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The Soldier knew… nothing.

 

He knew how to shoot a target through solid walls and how to best disguise an assassination to look like a suicide and how long he would have to search for stolen documents and Intel while a man bled out on the carpet behind him, and how to best make it look like the man had simply hit his head on the desk and bled out.

 

He knew that the Cold hurt and the Ice never made him sleep and that he has never known a world without pain.

 

That was all.

 

Nothing personal.

 

Nothing…cherished.

 

He wonders if he ever had anyone cherish _him_.

 

(he doubts he ever did)

 

(he is not something to be _cherished_ )

 

(his arm hur-)

 

The Soldier is taught how to mimic normal emotion, how to seduce and lie and talk his way out of any situation, how to turn a conversation to his advantage.

 

He is told that he is not to use it on his fellow soldiers unless ordered by his superiors. He is told that the punishment would be drastic.

 

(what could they do that would be worse then-)

 

He will comply.

 

They send him on a mission to seduce a Russian diplomat, someone who was making enough waves against the Russian empire that they worried for their current government.

 

The diplomat made waves in the world, yes, but he was no match for the charms of the Soldier, no match for his angelic face, long lashes and pouty lips.

 

(this seemed familiar-)

 

(his arm hurts-)

 

The man died in his bed the day before he was to meet with the American president.

 

A stroke, they said, how sad.

 

His superiors were pleased.

 

The Soldier felt nothing.

 

Even while he acted to seduce the man, the Soldier felt nothing. He mimicked emotion but he did not feel it. He could paste a smile on his face and beg to be taken but he would feel no stirring in his body.

 

He was a weapon, a Soldier, a gun. He did not feel attraction, did not feel arousal, and did not feel anything, but _cold_ and _pain_.

 

(he freezes.)

 

(he does not black out.)

 

(he wishes he-)

 

When he next is thawed, they tell him the year is 1952. He was frozen for 2 years this time, not needed, not useful.

 

He is told he has new students, some women to train, to make sure they can do what he does, only by… smaller and more covert persons.

 

He knows nothing, that is true.

 

But he is certain, some part of him is sure, that a woman would be…older. These are no more than girls, and he can see the youngest, a red-haired little girl with green eyes like poison, looks to only be four.

 

He feels nothing, yet-

 

His chest feels tight, his heart beats fast, and suddenly, the urge to take these people, these _children_ , away from this place and somewhere safer is almost stronger than his orders.

 

_Almost_.

He does not know why the sight of these little girls brings him pain, pain different from the norm, a bolt shooting through his heart, a soul-deep stab.

 

But some part of his brain sees ocean blue eyes and a defiant scowl.

 

( _It’s not right B***_ )

 

He almost told his handlers of his malfunction, but in the end, he decided not to. It would not distract him from his mission.

 

Train the Black Widows.

 

(his arm-)

 

(so cold)

 

(B***** NO)

 

The red-haired one shows great promise, he tells them, she is the best.

 

Then be harsher on her, they reply, so that she will be better.

 

He does not know why he is reluctant to be harsher on the little red-haired girl with fierce eyes that remind him-

 

(who?)

 

 

He does not know how to feel, yet when he trains with these girls (with _Natalia_ ) he feels… something.

 

A pull in his chest, in his soul, and the urge to leak from his eyes.

 

He does not know why he resents his superiors for making him turn these girls into tiny, covert assassins, but he does.

 

They tell him he is doing a great service for the Mother Land, and that his country is happy with his work with the Widows. They tell him he should be proud of the work he has done.

 

They tell him this after one of the girls is killed in a combat test.

 

The Soldier…

 

Feels _hate_.

 

(the Chair carves it out of him)

 

(the Ice freezes his heart)

 

(he does not black out)

 

(he is glad he didn’t)

 

(pain is a Punishment)

 

(pain is a Reward)

 

* * *

 

 

 

 


End file.
